The Friend or Foe Dilemma: The 3 Types of People (You Mistook For Friends) You’re Better Off Without
We have all heard stories of individuals who founded Fortune 100 companies with the help of their friends. These people shared their innovative ideas with their friends, discussed their emotions, and opened up about their experiences in life. They also acknowledged their mistakes and shared what they learned from them.
I remember I started deep talks about postgraduate life, business ideas, books I read, and when feeling down or demotivated. My friends ditched these conversations by making jokes on these topics or “Let’s eat something”.
I wonder if I can still call them friends or just people for socializing.
There can be several types of people you call friends. But the common ones you will see or have seen are the following.
The Wise One
This type of friend has this philosophy that a person is solely responsible for their own life. They believe that they are not responsible to guide, motivate, and be a helping hand to their friends. They are wise because they are so good at sweet-talking and pointing out what others are doing wrong. They are good at telling stories, making people laugh, getting attention, and showing themselves know at all.
These friends are adept at hiding their plans and actions, while simultaneously being well-informed about what their friends are doing or planning. If asked about their activities, however, they typically avoid the question. They view life as a competition and don’t feel obligated to help their friends.
They show themselves as they do not caring what is going on in life, they do not care about studying and preparing for exams, as they have no plans for the future but secretly they are working on something and do not want to share with their friends because they believe it is a competition. They believe they are not responsible for their friends.
When you share your life, plans, or current projects with them, or express your worries, they may make light of it, change the subject, or suggest you find the answer yourself and “if you did find share with me too.”
They may give the impression they would defend you behind your back, but their ideology is, “Everyone has freedom of speech. People can say whatever they want about whoever they want.” However, this principle only applies to others, not to them. They freely share in the laughter at your expense and seldom exercise their right to free speech on your behalf.
The Victims
These types of friends (people) only care about fun and themselves. They are always ready for gatherings, picnics, trips, wandering around, meaningless talks, and playing both sides.
When you do not fit into that criteria; when you establish a boundary; when you try to be serious; when you create a balance between fun and reality; when you point out that wandering around and meaningless talks about others and playing both sides are wrong, then you notice their victim behavior.
- “You did wrong to me.”
- “You never helped me.”
- “You never spent time with me.”
- “You are too serious about life.”
- “You are selfish. Always thinking about yourself only.”
Their game is unique. They do not come directly to you rather they will make jokes about you on these points in front of others. I admire their stair skill.
They won’t just stop there. That part of the game was only in front of you. They believe by making fun of you and humiliating you in front of others they are trying to correct you. The second part of the game is behind your back. They talk shit about you with others. Trying to show themselves victims of your brutality of being real and balanced. It is their way of letting out their anger.
The To Be Heard
They are well-mannered, polite words, please, and “respectful” type of people.
They share their parts of personal lives with you. Funny stories, sad moments, and their mistakes. They share their life-learned lessons, famous quotes they read, their extract from the book, a good YouTube Video they watched, and their recent favorite movies. They talk with points and facts. Their way of getting into debate and proving their point is by establishing the definition of the topic.
With all these good qualities, their only focus is to get their point across. They want to be heard.
Yes, to be heard only.
They do not like and certainly, they do not let others talk. If they do, they will raise their tone like taking charge of the conversation (monologue, actually), and if you point them out that they’re not letting you speak then they will dodge it by making you emotional. When you speak facts, the only reply will be “Don’t be a crybaby”.
And when you share your life-learned lessons, and your part of your personal life, they will just ignore it or suddenly they will remember something else at that moment.
What to do with them?
If you have these types of people as friends, you have two options here.
- Talk to them in private. Tell them that this act or behavior is not good for sustaining the friendship. If they do not take it seriously and try to dodge the topic. Move to option two.
- Distance yourself. You cannot end that situation which you mistook for friendship at a moment because they would turn frenemies. Two things will happen
- If they care, they will notice it and will talk to you. Convey your part of the friendship.
- They, too, will start to distance themselves from you.
In the end, friendship is a two-way channel. You are not the only one responsible to sustain it. The care, attention, and respect you give, must be returned.
I recall an Instagram reel in which an audience member asked the guest speaker about the amount of toxicity one can tolerate in a friendship before it becomes unbearable. The speaker responded with a question, “How much poison will you take until you die?”
