Breaking Free: My Journey with Public Phobia
I don’t recall when I became people phobic but this phobia lasts with me till day.
My voice is too polite like the next person I am talking with will yell at me if I speak loud. What if my loud voice may come out as disrespect for the next person and if the people passing by will ask me to stop talking and laugh behind my back? This public phobia made my voice girlish.
I am still afraid to ask questions during the lectures in class. Because I fear being called as stupid for asking childish questions. The whole class might laugh at me because of my unattractive low voice. How will I face them for the rest of the course? My class fellows or people in the seminar hall or public gathering would make opinions of me for asking or speaking in such a childish. People were seated in front of me and at the back. People sitting on my left and right. A person far in the corner of the hall. Any of these will shout that I was stupid to ask this question and the whole hall would laugh at me.
I am afraid that nobody will pay attention to what I am saying and I have to go through embarrassment. This fear hit harder when “What if they think of me as no one and give me a pity smile.”
I am too afraid to raise my voice when injustice is happening to me. I cannot point out the shopkeeper when they are overcharging me. I am afraid that they will insult me and the other people will laugh at me.
My mind has become to people phobic that if someone speaks to me in a loud voice, I forget what I wanted to say and become a yes man to whatever they are saying.
This fear made me an introvert and less talkative. I fear that if people say I am talking something silly they do not laugh at my jokes. What if someone asks me to help them understand a thing and I cannot? They will think of me as a fool.
This fear is still with me or I am still with this fear. There are many “what ifs” in my fear and these what-ifs have happened.
What should I do? I wanted to be free of this fear back in 2012 and today I want the same thing. Looks like I am standing still.
BUT
I am the writer of my story. I am whatever I write.
To win over my fear, I took every opportunity.
I became the group leader of many class projects. I am getting used to hearing “Nos” and facing rejections of my decisions and plans.
I became part of the Akhuwat Foundations’ Cloth Banking Campaign. I went door to door and asked total strangers to donate clothes. I was rejected, laughed at, and objected to. But I continued.
I raised funds for the Eidhi Foundation.
I hosted the closing ceremony of the Citizens Foundation’s Summer Camp.
I planned and managed the birthday parties of my class fellows.
Currently, I am looking for a summer internship. Applying at multiple companies. In Pakistan, we do not have an online job application system that much so we have to go to the company’s office to submit our resumes. I am doing this and getting rejected. Sometimes, I am not allowed to enter the company and I was asked to submit my resume to the security guard who later threw it away.
If you read my story to this point, maybe you can relate to me.
Here is the key takeaway for you.
It is absolute. People will laugh at me. People will laugh behind your back. People will insult you. People will object and reject you. You will hear No more often than Yes. But it is your life and your choice to make. I am still people-phobic. But I am taking tiny little steps to overcome it. It may take months or years to achieve it but my tiny little steps will compound into an overnight victory which I wished could happen after watching a motivational reel on Instagram.
Start taking the tiny little steps. Don’t go fast because slow and steady wins the race.
